There are two kinds of lines, laugh lines and frown lines.

When I'm old I want laugh lines.  I want a face that crinkles into lines I've earned by a thousand jokes, and decades of the happy wellbeing of myself and my family.

I don't want bitternes and envy to show on my face.

More Poetry

Moth

It's an empty space
With a light in the center.
Out in the dark there are walls,
But I can't see them.
I hover around the light.
Looking into it.
Blinding myself the the corners
Of the room.
But maybe, just maybe
The answers I'm looking for
Aren't in the light.
Maybe there's a dresser or chest
With everything I need.
I just have to let go.
Have faith.
And step into the unknown.




Maybe I Should Have Taken the Elevator

Watch your feet on the stairs.
The third step is missing.
The fourth one kind of moans
When you step on it.
It's doing the job of two steps.
The top step is made out of gold.
Solid gold.
But gold is heavy,
And bracket where the left end
Is connected to the wall
Is not made out of steel or titanium
Or any other strong metal.
It's held up with will power.
If the step falls
It will take me with it.

More Poetry

Understand Me

My mental illness
Is like paint
Splashed
On a great statue.
It doesn't change the fact
That the statue is great.
I was carved by a master,
And I won't let that splash of chartruse
Make me any less than
What he carved.




You Can't Paint Over Wallpaper

How can one little change
Have such a magnificent effect.
Like yellow roses or red.
Bumble bees or hornets.
Salt water or fresh.
In these differences,
Small as they might be,
A whole world can change.




The Veiw

Sometimes the moon is dark.
Sometimes it's hidden behind clouds,
But it still exists.
And all those stars you can't see in the city,
Those constillations are all still the same.
Moving slowly across the sky.
Sometimes it takes the desert.
If you lay on your back in the dirt,
Somehow you can see the galaxy.

No, thank you.

I've been switched to Zyprexa.  The drug that everyone knows makes you gain weight - like 100 lbs of weight.  A lot of the people I've talked to about it gained 20-30lbs in the first month.

Roughly 20% of people taking it don't gain any weight.  Hopefully I will be one of them.  I excersize everyday, and eat right.  I've cut way back on soda, and I'm going to try to avoid high fructose corn syrup.

So far (only 2 days) I haven't gained anything, and I'm still 5 pounds down from my short experience with Geodon.  So I have a little cushion.

Recovery - Noon Tuesday

This video was taken just one day after switching to Zyprexa from Geodon.

I'm lucky.  Not every case of Tardive Dyskinesia goes away, but it looks like this one will.  I only have a few slight movements left, and hopefully they'll go away as the Geodon clears my system.

I've been writing poetry as a journal for therapy.  I thought I throw out some of the better ones.


BBQ

I think the window
I've been looking out
is one of those old ones.
The kind with bubbles and distortions. 
They tell me I should
Just look closer,
But what I really want
Is something to break
This glass.
So I can see,
And maybe go out.




SCUBA

They say he'll never give you
More than you can handle.
Spend a week in the psych ward,
And you'll know that's not true.
I  think sometimes the people
Who say that
Don't know how deep the water can be.




Milk, Eggs, Leftovers, and Butter

When the sun comes thru this window
It leaves a patch of light on the floor.
I lay in that light
With my cheek against the carpet.
If I'm there long enough
The heat from the sun
Reaches clear inside me,
And closes the refridgerator.

Monday at Noon

This is the latest video to cronical my worsening symptoms.  In this video I hadn't taken Klonopin since 8:30 AM.

Experiment

I noticed my symptoms getting worse as the day went on so I filmed them.  This is at 1PM before taking Klonopin.

This is at 2:15PM one hour after taking Klonopin.



Lip Twitch Sunday Morning

In my last video I was watching as I filmed, and I was tensing my lips as a result.  In this video I was watching TV, and not thinking of my lips at all.  You can see the difference.  I am still opening my mouth about once a minute, but I didn't catch it in this video.

So Here's the Sitch

It's been awhile since I've posted.  The morning after my last post I checked myself into the hospital.  I was there for 8 days.  Wow, I could tell you stories about the hospital, but I won't.  I signed a confidentiality agreement.  Anyway, I came out with a new antipsychotic - Geodon.  It works great for my psychosis.  I haven't seen or heard anything since I came up to dose.  There is one small problem.

It's been coming on for awhile now.  Just weeks into Seroquel I felt my jaw start to clench.  That's how it started last time.  It's been gradually getting worse.  Last night when I was doing my guided imagery for therapy (works great by the way) I noticed my cheeks and lips twitching.  Tardive Dyskinesia.  This is the next step.  From here I can expect opening my mouth, which I've started to do sporatically.  You can catch it at the end of this video.